|photo from pbs.com|
The older I get the more complicated the whole love thing seems to get, and yet, the simpler my needs become. Sure, we all have our list of things we want, our deal breakers and all that, but the truth of the matter is that I just want real, unconditional love, to be able to give it back and knowing someone has got my back no matter what, no matter how unreasonable I can be sometimes and no matter how difficult it gets.
I don't regret anything I've been through in the past, because it turned me into the person I am today, and no matter how cheesy that sounds, it's the truth, but I DO wish I took better care of my heart. I wish someone told me to protect it fiercely and never let anyone trample all over it. I wish I had someone tell me that knowing my self-worth was good enough and I didn't need the approval of any guy to make me believe it. I wish someone told me not to chase after that guy who obviously did not care about me, to stand up for myself when that other guy belittled my feelings and to run the opposite direction from men who were afraid of commitment.
The thing is, I know myself, and certain things I can't help. I know I love 100 % percent or nothing at all. There is no in-between, maybe, I'm not sure. I guess through the years, I have improved in my choices when it comes to men, but my innate desire to care for someone has remained. Sometimes I wish it was easy for me to just walk away from people, but I'm the type of person who will try until there's really nothing left to try for. Because of this, I wonder why I feel so up in the air lately. Is it really just OK to feel all this uncertainty sometimes? have I become jaded and afraid because of everything I've been through?
I'm rambling. I know, but I'm tired. This is probably the most open I've been on this blog regarding this subject matter and it's only because it's been on my mind lately. I had a conversation with Dane about this and we decided that the heart is a silly organ, not smart at all. All it knows is what it feels and nothing else matters, and because of this, it is up to us to find that healthy compromise between what we feel and what we want and deserve. I'm still learning, so if anyone has the answers, I'm always open to listen.
I guess this entry can be filed under health and fitness, albeit emotional instead of physical? Just say Yes :D